Well this my other book, constructive criticism please.?
The body lay spread-eagled at the base of the magnificent south aspect of York Minister. Bright, late spring sunshine glinted off the blood that still oozed from the shattered remains of a human life taken by who knew what evil. Detective Chief Inspector Franklin eyed the rag doll scene with a jaundiced eye. Maybe it was time to retire he thought. Broken bodies had played too much of a part in his life; yes he had lost the ability to feel.
‘Looks like suicide sir’. Detective Sergeant Kelly Walters ventured.
‘Really sergeant and how did you come that conclusion, crystal ball?’
Franklin glanced at his new colleague. Petite, flame red hair, pretty in a rather severe way, destined for big things he conjectured but still horribly wet behind the ears.
‘Sergeant, while I admit that yonder corpse has hit the pavement at some 120 mph, we don’t know if he jumped of his own volition. Therefore we will be treating the death as suspicious’.
Walters coloured slightly. Franklin had the uncanny knack of making her feel like a schoolgirl.
Dr Peters, the on duty medic, ducked under the blue and white police tape and approached Franklin.
‘Well?’ Franklin asked.
Peters didn’t take offence at Franklin’s tone, he had become used to the detectives lack of manners.
‘Its bloody odd, his heart should have stopped upon impact. Should have been instant, but I think his heart kept pumping for several seconds, hence so much blood. The time of death I'd put at about 4 am. We’ll know more after the autopsy but, despite what it looks like I don’t think he jumped. An impact of that severity would have fractured pretty well of all of the major bones of his body. I can’t find any major trauma to the skeleton apart of course the head which is a mess. As I say we’ll know more after the autopsy.
Franklin took a slim silver cigarette case from his pocket, selected an oval Turkish and lit it with his silver 1920’s Dunhill; a gift from his father.
‘Yes Walters I know it’s a nasty habit and I know you do not approve, but it helps me think. Who found the body?’
‘Homeless man, she consulted her notebook, a John Wright. He was dosing down in the park. Says something woke him up so he went for a walk. He reckons it was about 4.30am which tallies with the log of his 999 call.’
‘Very public spirited for a vagrant wouldn’t you say. I take it he’s helping us with our enquiries down at the nick, don’t want him wandering off do we!’
‘No sir I expect he’s tucking into his second breakfast by now.’ Walters’s stomach growled reminding her that her only breakfast had been a hasty cup of coffee.
‘Do we have an ID on the unfortunate cleric?’ Franklin snapped. The black cassock gave away his calling.
‘Graham Cartwright Sir his wallet was in his hand. Just as well I wouldn’t want to have to identify that.’ She added and shuddered slightly.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
It's got a lot of flaws beginning writers make. Which is okay, because that's what often characterizes first drafts.
I don't agree with your punctuation in many places. In fact, you need to study the proper punctuation and capitalization of dialogue in particular, since it's heavy with errors. In scanning, I see few lines of dialogue that are done right.
You also need to grab a good basic grammar book and look up the punctuation of direct address, dependent clauses, and--well, just read the whole section on commas and where to place them. You're missing dozens.
You also have comma splices--two complete sentences joined with a comma, and a tendency toward run-on sentences, too.
The dialogue feels unnatural and forced more often than it seems realistic. It often includes infodumping. You use inappropriate dialogue attributes (consulted?) and ones that are too colorful, detracting from the actual words your characters spoke (ventured, snapped).
You head-hop, letting us into the brains of more than one character. (Peters, Franklin, and Walters).
Ow, huh? Don't be discouraged, okay? All that said, it's still got potential. Obviously you see and hear this scene in your head and just need to work on bringing it to the written page.
If you are interested in line-by-line critique from people well-qualified to help you--and not judge you or make you feel stupid--consider joining AbsoluteWrite.com. Maybe I'll see you there?
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