How's my story intro?
I started writing a story and am curious what you think of it. It's going to be a crime drama romance with a hint of action.
As I was doing my routine drive back to the station in my unmarked Chevy Caprice squad car, I suddenly received an urgent message on the police radio requesting additional officers in the area. The message went something like “There is a large drug shipment coming in at the docks! There are around a dozen men that appear to be armed with full automatic weapons loading the drugs out of cigarette boats! We need additional man power to take these guys down! Any officers near the area should come at once!” As soon as the message blurred out of my speakers, I immediately recognized the voice as my younger brother Johnny. We are both vice detectives working for the Miami police department. He got his detective badge 2 years ago and has proven to be a very fine detective with a strong belief in the traditional justice system. His only flaw as an officer is that he often times works too hard and burns himself out. Ever since his best friend overdosed from cocaine in high school, Johnny has become completely preoccupied with sending large scale drug barons to prison. It’s exceptionally hard to nail those types of people in modern society though, much less finding them in the first place, and not to mention extremely dangerous. Too dangerous for a police detective salary in my opinion, and often times the most unproductive hard work the job has to offer. So what? You might nail a few cronies dealing drugs out on the streets, or occasionally some sleazy middle man that gets a percentage of the gross profits. But it just leads to the head honcho having to hire more scum bags that will eagerly take the position and sell more drugs to the same people. In the impossibly rare scenario that you actually will catch the bastard at the top, they can get the best sleaze ball lawyers that money can buy. In their case, it’s several millions. Plus they all have enough legit business fronts that their difficult to prove criminal affiliation can be easily over shadowed.
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker
I think you might be telling the story too much. Since this is in First person point of view, try saying how the guy feels about some of this stuff. Like what are his oppinions.
Also if this is your intro, it's kind of boring. For an intro I mean. For an intro maybe start during the action and while the action is going on give little hints of how and why they're there or talk about it after the incident. Just so the readers like "Whoa, cool what's going on?" Not, "This is what's happening and what will..."
Make sense?
Great job though!
Plum goes on a tour of the only place in the world to purchase the famous Cigarette Racing Boats made famous by the popular 1980's show Miami ...
